First of all, I just wanted to say that I feel very privileged to be able to share my story on Feelin’ Feminine.  I was very encouraged when I came across this website.  I hope this essay on myself encourages and strengthens young ladies around the country.

There was a time in my life where I was deeply struggling in my spiritual walk. I didn’t really know what being a feminine, daughter of the King really meant. You see, I have a problem with being very self-conscious about the way I look.  I guess I let that get a hold of me, and therefore, I don’t want to feel “out of place”, “weird”, or looked down upon by the world by wearing skirts, dresses, etc. You all, very well know, that girls nowadays do not dress well at all – tight jeans, tight shirts, and show too much cleavage. Well, I wouldn’t go so far as exposing too much of my skin, but I tried to get passed with as much as possible, without having my parents notice.  I knew they wouldn’t allow me to wear makeup at such a young age, but I was allowed to wear lip gloss and probably put too much of it on at times.  My hair always had to have every hair tucked down nicely, or loose in a way that other girls wore it.  I had my bangs cut “side ways”, but Yehovah didn’t make my hair cooperate the way I wanted it to. I guess that was a good thing, huh?  Well, to make a long story short, the way I viewed modesty, purity, or femininity was totally opposite of the way Yehovah viewed it.

My brother and I used to go to a homeschool group, and the girls there would always tease other girls if they were caught talking to guys. Having an older brother usually means you will be around other guys, his friends, and so it’s  kind of hard avoiding talking to them.  Naturally, I didn’t mind talking to guys or girls and wasn’t going to avoid talking to them, and when I did, I always made sure that I was not acting in any way that would be considered flirtatious.  However, girls at this group would tease me that I “liked” these guys and that I was being flirtatious.  I was being badly influenced by the girls there, but thankfully now they have changed (as I have) on their view of guy/girl relationships.  Because of the way the girls there had thought that if a guy was talking to a girl, that they “liked” each other, it gave me the idea that the guys that I talked to “liked” me.  It didn’t help either that a few of those guys would tell my brother that they thought I was “pretty” or that they “liked” me, and to say the least I was flattered by the compliments and the attention.

To make matters worse, all this happened around the time that my womanly instincts started kicking in, and I was going through what every young adult goes through – puberty.  This is a very challenging time in a young adult’s life. It seems to you that people don’t understand you, you started noticing things that you’ve never noticed before, and your body starts to change.  This is a time when it is VITAL that you have a good relationship with your parents – especially your mom.  At this time, I did not, and I am very sorry for that now.

The worst thing that was happening in my life at that time was my spiritual life – it was a mess.  I was very far from Yehovah.  I’d always find a reason to not read the Scriptures, I thought books on femininity were boring (just “not for me”), and I definitely couldn’t sit down and read a theological book by anyone whom I should have gleaned wisdom from, but one day, and I’m not exactly sure when or how it happened, God showed me that I couldn’t get through life without honoring Him.  I was so scared all of a sudden.  I thought, “How could I really be saved if I’ve been acting this way?”  But you know what?  Our God is an awesome, forgiving Father and in His Word He promises that if you believe in Him you are saved. Every believers still sins and we will never be perfect.  Yehovah sends trials our way to test how much we trust Him. I remember the time I found myself , scared, in the bathroom, wrapped in a towel, just sitting in a corner and crying until I couldn’t cry anymore.

Then, I finally decided to have a talk with my Mother, and I must tell you, once I sat down and started pouring everything out, it was a lot easier than I thought.  She didn’t laugh at me. She didn’t get upset at me…not that I thought she would, but since my relationship with her wasn’t on the best level, I was hesitant to go to her and talk about my spiritual walk. When I was all finished, she told me, “Raquel, God doesn’t have us base things on our feelings. You have to base them on His promises in His Word.”  That sentence really struck me.  I stopped crying and meditated on that for awhile.  This whole time I had been doing just that – basing everything on my feelings. My Mother reminded me that Yehovah is faithful in His promises. That was only the beginning of the changes that started in my life.  Ever since that time that I talked with Mother satan has tempted me with the idea that I wasn’t saved, but I continue to cry out to Yehovah to rescue me from the enemy who is seeking after my soul.

I won’t say I never have impure thoughts, but they are not what fill my mind anymore. Now, I have a group of friends (some of them are guys) that treat me as a sister in the Messiah, and it is easier to resist impure thoughts because I am focusing on being a good sister to them.  I didn’t really know the meaning of “purity” when I was going to that homeschool group.  It wasn’t until my dear friend, Danielle, and I started encouraging each other and searching the Scriptures for the meaning of the word “purity” and what it means to be “pure”.  Danielle has been with me through thick and thin, and I love her dearly.

I wanted just encourage all of you ladies, who are or have in the past dealt with these things, to stay strong in Yehovah, have a good relationship with your parents so that they can pray for you whenever need be, and to remain pure for your future husband.  Life is definitely NOT easy, but “I can do all things through him who gives me power.”

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